Calculated Madness: Walmart's Black Friday

   Last year, when the stores opened their doors at midnight for all of the best deals, I thought it was early. There are a number of stores that are opening their doors again at midnight and many hours later in the morning. Walmart will begin their Black Friday deals at 8:00 PM on Thanksgiving.

   To me, this idea is truly ridiculous. After Thanksgiving meal, everyone should be at home relaxing, fat and happy. Walmart has surely spared no expense in preparing for the event in order to supply its customers with all of the gadgets they desire. With all of those great gadgets, in one place, for such a great price… who would go anywhere else? And if that is the case, what kind of lines are we going to see and when will the lines form? Will people skip the Thanksgiving meal altogether?

   I remember seeing in the news last year that some people got sprayed with mace by a person trying to get a great deal. With a store that attracts so many customers making things get started earlier (causing the hardcore shoppers to stress about getting dinner finished early to get the deals), they are just feeding the frenzy. To me, this is a problem.

   So I’m prepared to present my foolproof solution. Why don’t we all just have Thanksgiving dinner at Walmart!? There’s no reason to stress about getting dinner over with and getting on into line at the supercenter. The store could put on a banquet for all of its loyal patrons, for the low price of (insert not so low number)! “On the menu this fine Thanksgiving evening is turkey loaf, powdered mash potatoes with gravy, and green beans.” Included at everyone’s table would of course be a microwave to prepare and ensure absolute freshness.

   With a meal provided by our favorite local store, no one needs to rush, or even trouble himself or herself with the silly task of preparing a stressful meal. Everyone will be in a good mood and hopefully no one will get an eye full of assault repellent spray.